Movie Review: The Linguini Incident

Movie Review: The Linguini Incident

     Hello, night owls!! Tonight is the night we discuss one of the most obscure movies I've ever seen in my life featuring the one and only David Bowie called The Linguini Incident.

      If you've never heard of it, I don't blame you. Even I didn't know it existed until I was watching a video about David Bowie's movie performances, and when I read up on this flick, I read that it was released straight to VHS in 1992, a year after it was finished. Anything released straight to VHS can't be that good, even if it's got David Bowie, right?

     Well, the only way to find out is to dive in and take a look at it.

     If any of you by chance have seen this movie before, I should let you know the version I saw was the UK version. I'm aware that there's a US cut, but that version wasn't available to me. However according to some who have seen both versions, the UK has more footage, so I feel I got the better end of the deal...

     Not that more footage made this movie any better...

     Anyway - here's the basic plot!

     Our main character is Lucy (Rosanna Arquette), a woman working at a thriving New York restaurant sometimes referred to as the Dali (because of it's design). She dreams of being the next Houdini, but she can't succeed at escaping handcuffs and locked mail bags. At the restaurant, she meets the new bartender Monte (David Bowie), who has been going around asking the other waitresses to marry him so he can get his green card to stay in the country. Both are disgruntled by the restaurants seedy owners, Cecil and Dante (Buck Henry and Andre Gregory), and eventually - through several strange mishaps - they make a deal to rob the place together. They also have help from Lucy's friend Vivian (Ezter Balint) who's trying to design a self-defense bra.

     That's right.

     And that's just the basic plot...or rather, the plot of the first half of the movie.

     If at this point, any of you are actually interested in seeing the film and want to keep the rest of the movie a surprise for yourselves, I'll leave a spoiler alert for you, but before I continue with the plot, I should make a note about other aspects of this movie.

     The writing is one of the biggest if not the biggest downsides this movie has. While some scenes and dialogue work well and there's the occasional good one-liner, the writing isn't good. I hesitate to say terrible, because there are far worse written movies out there (*ahem*...The Room!), but let's not beat around the bush. It's a poorly written film. 

     The soundtrack is also a big fault of this movie. I don't know if the US cut has more music, but with the UK cut, it seemed like only 3 themes were used throughout the entire movie. That got old very fast, especially when they were reused in scenes that either could have stayed quiet or could have used a different theme. It makes me sad because I like what music can add to a film, and with this, it didn't do much.

     The acting is a mixed bag of nuts. Henry and Gregory as the restaurant owners play their roles with all the ham and cheese the actors could bring and man, it makes me cringe! I understand I'm not supposed to like these characters, but by golly, do these actors put too much into it. Arquette's performance as Lucy was good and fun to watch and Balint's performance as Vivian was good, too. Bowie, however, seems to steal every single scene he's in. With the character of Monte, you see him play into many different aspects and throughout the whole movie, he carries his role with a certain gravity and grace. He seems virtually unflappable and at ease, no matter what scene he's in and who he's acting with. There are one or two moments where the clumsy writing makes him seem a little out of place, but otherwise, he did a good job, all things considered. His chemistry with Arquette was convincing and interesting, which helped me keep watching the movie in spite of all the craziness that happened.

     Probably my last nitpick is the cinematography/editing. I'm going to warn everyone who wants to watch this movie that there are no transitions between scenes. I think I can only remember one fade in/fade out in the entire film. This made it confusing to watch the first time. One instant Lucy is in the alley talking with Monte and then it suddenly cuts to her in full 1920's garb practicing an escape. This cutting from scene to scene with nothing in between drove me nuts. Also, there are some scenes that could have been shot differently and more effectively. I felt really bad because the scenes that were written/acted well weren't always shot in the best way. A scene where Lucy is auditioning and Monte has to ad-lib while she struggles to break free is done in a single long-shot. While Monte's dialogue is funny and the situation is pretty funny, too, it felt awkward during my first viewing because I didn't get any other views of the predicament. It could have been hilarious if we maybe had a couple closer shots on Monte and Lucy interchanged with the distance of the long shot. Unfortunately, we only get half the funny scene we could get.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

     You're still here? Good!

     When I first learned about this movie, it was pitched to me as a heist movie and from that basic plot I gave above, you might be thinking the same thing, too. You might be imagining sequences and montages of planning and scheming and perhaps a wild chase scene following the heist. Perhaps something like How To Steal A Million. At least, that's what I imagined it would be like.

     But this movie isn't a heist movie. Like I said above, the heist only takes up about half the film. 

     So let's see how exactly this movie plays out.

     As mentioned above, Lucy meets Monte, the new bartender at the restaurant after learning that he's already proposed to several other waitresses (way to be subtle). Our introduction to him is this: he hits on her in a heartbeat, he throws a shot glass on the floor, and when she walks away, he walks on top of the bar and over a bar stool in pursuit.

     This isn't the craziest thing he does - trust me.

     Anyway, we cut to her practicing an escape in her apartment later that night, but when it goes horribly wrong she finds herself trapped in her cuffs and noose. When Monte calls early in the morning to ask her out to breakfast, she asks him to come and help her out (one of the funniest moments of the movie). After getting him to unlock her ankle cuffs and remove the noose, she asks him to give the key to the hand cuffs, saying she can take care of herself. But he says that he'll only do so if she agrees to marry him. Obviously she refuses. So what does Monte do?

     He handcuffs the both of them to her bed.......real smooth.

     Nothing bad happens, though. Later in the morning, Lucy's friend Vivian comes by and frees Lucy. They both discuss Monte as they roast marshmallows over the gas burner for breakfast (such sad lives) and while Lucy claims he's a psychopath, they both debate who should go for him.

     Later in the day, Lucy and Vivian stop into a questionable lady's antique shop and find Mrs. Houdini's wedding ring. Lucy, believing it will provide her good luck as an escape artist, wants it but learns that it costs $5,000. 

     When she comes in to work and faces another tirade from the cheesy restaurant owners, Lucy finally decides to rob the place. But almost as soon as she decides that, she learns (via eavesdropping) that Monte wants to rob the place, too.

      Gee, I wonder how this will turn out.

     Anyway, Lucy learns that Vivian has to meet with a lingerie designer the same time she has an audition, so she asks Monte for help. Before the audition, they debate over who should rob the restaurant, but they don't come to a resolution. Yet.

     After failing the audition, they go out for drinks and talk about who should rob the place. They can't work together, because they both need all the money. So they arrange a deal: he'll help her with the robbery and she'll marry him afterwards.

     What could possibly go wrong?

     After a moment of romantic tension, they stop by at Vivian's in order to convince her to help them hold up the restaurant, since Lucy and Monte are too recognizable. At first, Vivian refuses, but when they tell her of recognition and a share of the money, she agrees. After going over the timing and the instructions of the robbery, Monte peels off a gun taped to his chest and gives it to Vivian.

     First of all, who would tape a gun to the chest?

     And second of all, that's just plain tacky.

     The night of the robbery comes and Monte and Lucy count down the time from opposite ends of the restaurant. At midnight, they throw down their trays (the cue for the robbery). But Vivian doesn't show up. Monte storms into the meat freezer where he proceeds to bash a raw chicken and then make out with Lucy.

     Bowie, how could you look at this script and think, "Yes, I'll do this" when you have to peel a taped gun off your chest and there's a scene where you character - in a fit of rage - bashes a chicken and makes out with a girl all within a minute?                                                                                                                                          

     Anyway, Vivian does show up, but the customers don't take her seriously. So after discussing the matter with Lucy, she finally shoots a blank or two and holds up the place.

     And this, my fellow night owls, is where Vivian becomes - and I'm not joking when I say this - the Lethal Cleavage Bandit.

     Yes, you heard that right.

     By the time the robbery comes around, she's developed her self-defense bra and she demonstrates it at the robbery. And it actually wows everyone enough that the robbery is as easy as pie and the next morning, the papers are flooded with articles about "lethal cleavage."

     I don't know what to make of that.

     After celebrating, Lucy goes to the antique shop the next day to buy the ring. Unfortunately, the questionable lady has already sold it, making the robbery pointless for Lucy. On top of that, she remembers at the last minute that she has to marry Monte, but when she arrives at the Register Office she doesn't have her ID. Monte leaves and Lucy commiserates with Vivian.

     Now here's where the second half of the movie kicks in.

     Monte is back at the restaurant, where we learn that his marrying for a green card sch-peel was a bet with Cecil and Dante. I had to pause the movie to double check what I was watching, because this little twist took me by surprise...and confused me a bit. They talk a little about how his family has been in debt to the two schmucks and how Monte's been trying to play at cards to win money against this bet, but it's done in a very quick and glossed over way. Point is, since Monte couldn't marry Lucy, he owes Cecil and Dante $2,ooo,ooo. Desperate, he makes a new bet, saying that Lucy can't escape out of a a closed mail bag in the restaurant's decorative tank. Interested, the owners agree to this, with the price being that if Monte loses, he'll have to have plastic surgery to look like one of the owners (eugh!).

     So Monte finds Lucy and Vivian and tells them that Cecil and Dante know about the robbery. He says that the only way he got them to not tell the police and send them all to twenty years of prison was by making the bet about Lucy's escape. Lucy agrees and they begin training, since the escape will have to happen the very next night.

     With a woman who's failed at escaping this entire movie, I wouldn't have much hope.

     Anyway, they have their long training session and after Vivian leaves, Lucy and Monte make love.

     Then crap hits the fan.

     Lucy learns the next day that Cecil and Dante really don't know about who did the robbery and discovers Monte's gambling problem. Understandably angry, she disappears.

     The restaurant is buzzing with anticipation as Cecil and Dante's friends gather to see the stunt (Bowie's wife Iman is among them!). When Lucy fails to turn up, however, Monte begins to get anxious and he tells Cecil and Dante to stall. So the two go up before everyone and begin to tell a story.

     Guess what it's called?

     The "linguini incident"!

     But you know what? We don't get the full story.

     The title of the movie has it's own little origin and we don't get to hear the full thing.

     What!?

     All we get is the end, where they talk about finding a "fossilized linguini noodle" next to an ancient mummy.

     That just sucks! But I digress.

     Lucy does show up, however, in 1920's glamour and announces to everyone that she's going to attempt to escape the tank. She's brought up to the catwalks and then -

     Just before she's put into the bag and lowered into the tank, Monte requests a kiss.

     Now you're probably thinking - what the heck is this for? And after her finding out the truth?

     Well, earlier in the movie, when Lucy and Monte are at the bar, she talks about how Houdini's wife would use clever tricks to slip Houdini keys and pick locks to help him out of his chains.

     When Monte comes to kiss her, she sees what appears to be Mrs. Houdini's wedding ring in his teeth.

     After taking his kiss (and the ring), she's dropped into the tank and the audience watches her struggle. It seems like such an impossible thing, and then - 

     Out of nowhere, a gunshot is heard and when everyone turns around, they see the Lethal Cleavage Bandit has returned. She holds everyone up and everyone all too willingly give her their money. This provides enough of a distraction that when everyone looks back at the tank, they see the sack sitting on the bottom, motionless.

     Monte tells Cecil and Dante that she'll drown no one saves her. However, they insist that if Monte saves her, he loses the bet.

     You want to know what happens?

     Monte cries out, "F**k the bet!" and dives right in after her. Oh, it's a good moment for such a strange/shady character.

     When he rises to the surface, however, he tells them all the sack is empty. Everyone looks around, wondering where Lucy is. 

     And then, from the catwalks, comes a dripping of water.

     Our little Miss Houdini is a pro!! And this success has provided her start into stardom.

     Afterwards, Monte approaches her and it seems that all wrongs have been righted on both sides. She shakes his hand and says that maybe they'll meet again in the future. But after a moment of hesitation, he asks her out for breakfast the next morning. And then he delivers my favorite line from the entire movie.

     He says, "I'm going to kiss you goodnight...and I don't want you to panic."

     Oh, that makes me laugh every time!

     To wrap things up, they kiss and Lucy and Vivian ride off into the night on their bicycles.

     And that's basically it.

     It's not a good film, that's for sure. It isn't one of those films like The Mask where it might not be the best, but a decent job was put into it, because there's so much wrong. But it's one of those bad movies that has elements of promise and that is consequently addictive to watch. I definitely include it in my list of "Bad Films I Like To Watch". This could have been an absolutely hilarious movie and it could have been great. It isn't, though, and that makes me sad. But that doesn't mean it isn't enjoyable every now and then. I could definitely see this as a stage play - the sets, costumes, and character types would definitely fit in the theatre. And if you love Bowie, you'll want to see this, if for no other reason than to see him do crazy things and be his typical self. Or if you just want to hear him continuously propose. Whatever floats your boat.

     If you want to see something crazy yet oddly delightful, check this out!

                                                                                                     ~Maud,

                                                                                              Official Night Owl

P.S. I apologize if any of my drawings of David Bowie don't do him justice - I had so much trouble with his hair alone!!